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Help: I can't make decisions without thinking of others.

michalaw

New member
I have struggled with this my whole life, but I always put others before myself. I also think about other people's feelings and opinions before my own. Although I really care about others, it has gotten to the points to where I can't make a decision without thinking that it will hurt someone's feelings.

For example, I want to make some life changing decisions. But whenever I talk about them with my friends in family, no matter what they say, their opinions have the biggest influence on what I am going to do. This leads me to never being able to make decisions for myself.

Any tips on how to not let this hinder my life?
 

ckang96

New member
I am the exact same way, and I'm still struggling to figure out how to break out of this habit. As of now, I guess I just try not to think so far ahead in the future. I've realized I'm mostly so mindful of others' thoughts and feelings because I'm afraid that they won't like me if I don't put them first. This is true even for people I'm very close to, like my family.

Actually writing it out makes this line of thinking seem a little twisted, and usually, it is pretty ridiculous to have so little faith in those around me. Every time I find myself thinking like this, I try to remember that I have people who love me for who I am, even after they've seen the worst of me.

That faith in my friends and family allows me to have faith in myself.
 

tdp1205

New member
I have struggled with this my whole life, but I always put others before myself. I also think about other people's feelings and opinions before my own. Although I really care about others, it has gotten to the points to where I can't make a decision without thinking that it will hurt someone's feelings.

For example, I want to make some life changing decisions. But whenever I talk about them with my friends in family, no matter what they say, their opinions have the biggest influence on what I am going to do. This leads me to never being able to make decisions for myself.

Any tips on how to not let this hinder my life?
First of all, while it’s true that you need to make decisions for yourself, the fact that you care what others think is not solely a bad thing. It means that you value the relationships in your life.

Have you tried writing down a list of pros and cons when you’re trying to make a decision? You can even do a pro/con list based only on what you think, and then add what those important to you think at the bottom. Seeing the issue laid out in black and white might be helpful (and notice that YOUR opinions are at the top!)

Also, you need to take into account whose opinion really matters. For decisions about your life, YOU matter the most. Loved ones and close friends are important as well, but you shouldn’t worry about casual acquaintances or strangers. When I was younger, I cared what *everybody* thought. Now that I’m older, I just don’t care what most people think about me, and I’m much happier.
 

michalaw

New member
First of all, while it’s true that you need to make decisions for yourself, the fact that you care what others think is not solely a bad thing. It means that you value the relationships in your life.

Have you tried writing down a list of pros and cons when you’re trying to make a decision? You can even do a pro/con list based only on what you think, and then add what those important to you think at the bottom. Seeing the issue laid out in black and white might be helpful (and notice that YOUR opinions are at the top!)

Also, you need to take into account whose opinion really matters. For decisions about your life, YOU matter the most. Loved ones and close friends are important as well, but you shouldn’t worry about casual acquaintances or strangers. When I was younger, I cared what *everybody* thought. Now that I’m older, I just don’t care what most people think about me, and I’m much happier.
Writing out a pros and cons list is a good idea! And instead of listening to everyone's opinions, I should only listen to the opinions that matter. Good advice, thank you!
 

natjacobsmeier

New member
Hi michalaw!
I can definitely relate to this! It's a nerve racking thing making decisions that will hurt the ones you love and who love you. But, I have found that if I can ask myself whether this decision will help me more than it will hurt them, then I should go for it! If you are making a positive change in your life that will benefit you, the ones who love you should only be happy for you. Their happiness will soon over power their sadness with the decision (a move, a new job that takes more of your time, etc.)

Hope this helps a bit!
 

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