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Dealing with the toxic people in your life

OlgaC

Member
Do you have toxic people in your life? How do you deal with them?
Is it a family member, a friend, a co-worker?

I don't let toxic people in my life. I've always been strict with that. I don't need people in my life who make me feel bad.
However, I have a family member who is toxic and I don't know how to deal with that since I can't just end our relationship, we are family after all. Any tips?
 

Andre_Forlan

New member
Yes, it's really hard to end relationship with family. I would advise talking about it with that family member. Just my two cents
 

OlgaC

Member
It's super hard to talk with them. They don't see a problem and think they are the victim, start manipulating and leaving me feeling bad again.
It's easier to pretend that everything is fine and try to talk with them as rarely as possible.
But it seems like a temporary solution only.
 

kittykat

New member
Do you have toxic people in your life? How do you deal with them?
Is it a family member, a friend, a co-worker?

I don't let toxic people in my life. I've always been strict with that. I don't need people in my life who make me feel bad.
However, I have a family member who is toxic and I don't know how to deal with that since I can't just end our relationship, we are family after all. Any tips?
I think we all want less toxicity in our lives. How we deal with people who carry that toxicity depends on the nature of the relationship.
Simply put, the more valuable the person, the more time we may sacrifice in "dealing" with this person. For example, lets say I am at the bank and the teller is being a total jerk to me. Do I care? Not really. I say "ok have a nice day" and be on my way. I don't even really bother.

Lets go to the other end of the spectrum. Let's say that my mom has some toxic behavior. I deal with that in a completely different way. First step is 1. Communicate a boundary of respect "Hey mom, when you do _____ I really don't like that. I find it disrespectful. Can you please stop?" Sometimes this is all it takes. Perhaps the offender is embarrassed they didn't even know. However, it is not always like this with developed relationships. Perhaps the person pushes back, or refuses to respect that boundary. 2. Communicate again, but fire a warning shot. "Hey, mom, remember that conversation we had about ______? I still find it disrespectful, and I noticed you haven't stopped. I respect myself, and I choose to surround myself with people who will respect me. If you do not stop this behavior, I will have to limit the amount/style of contact we have."
Most people who want to have relationship with you will stop or try to stop at this point (UNLESS, you have been making threats all along and never follow through with them). 3. If disrespect continues, build that boundary.

THIS is the hard part where guilt and fear step in. People are scared to put up a boundary with people they love. But in reality, it preserves the health of the relationship. Note that building a boundary doesn't necessarily mean "you're out of my life forever", it may mean mom can't come to dinner anymore, or perhaps she isn't allowed to bring alcohol over to the house anymore. Sadly sometimes it DOES mean a severance of relationship.

I love this topic because it is so important to people's emotional health. I know this first hand because I grew up in an environment with little to no healthy boundaries. This is seriously still hard for me when I have to confront people like my fam about behavior, I always feel terrified when confronting behavior I am not okay with, but im getting there ! I am excited to hear people having discussions about it because it means more happy powerful people. :))
 

OlgaC

Member
I think we all want less toxicity in our lives. How we deal with people who carry that toxicity depends on the nature of the relationship.
Simply put, the more valuable the person, the more time we may sacrifice in "dealing" with this person. For example, lets say I am at the bank and the teller is being a total jerk to me. Do I care? Not really. I say "ok have a nice day" and be on my way. I don't even really bother.

Lets go to the other end of the spectrum. Let's say that my mom has some toxic behavior. I deal with that in a completely different way. First step is 1. Communicate a boundary of respect "Hey mom, when you do _____ I really don't like that. I find it disrespectful. Can you please stop?" Sometimes this is all it takes. Perhaps the offender is embarrassed they didn't even know. However, it is not always like this with developed relationships. Perhaps the person pushes back, or refuses to respect that boundary. 2. Communicate again, but fire a warning shot. "Hey, mom, remember that conversation we had about ______? I still find it disrespectful, and I noticed you haven't stopped. I respect myself, and I choose to surround myself with people who will respect me. If you do not stop this behavior, I will have to limit the amount/style of contact we have."
Most people who want to have relationship with you will stop or try to stop at this point (UNLESS, you have been making threats all along and never follow through with them). 3. If disrespect continues, build that boundary.

THIS is the hard part where guilt and fear step in. People are scared to put up a boundary with people they love. But in reality, it preserves the health of the relationship. Note that building a boundary doesn't necessarily mean "you're out of my life forever", it may mean mom can't come to dinner anymore, or perhaps she isn't allowed to bring alcohol over to the house anymore. Sadly sometimes it DOES mean a severance of relationship.

I love this topic because it is so important to people's emotional health. I know this first hand because I grew up in an environment with little to no healthy boundaries. This is seriously still hard for me when I have to confront people like my fam about behavior, I always feel terrified when confronting behavior I am not okay with, but im getting there ! I am excited to hear people having discussions about it because it means more happy powerful people. :))
Thank you for such a detailed answer. I will have to remember these steps if I feel that the family member is stepping over the boundaries again.
Confronting is very hard. For me it was hard enough to accept that that family member is toxic. I was manipulated to think all my life that I was the problem, that I was a bad person, that I need to behave differently.
That person doesn't like to be confronted at all. She behaves like a victim instead, gets offended if I don't want to do something the way she wants me to do. She is used to me being easily manipulated and now that that's changing, I am working on my self development, it is hard for her to accept that.
 
I'd say a very important part of dealing with a toxic relationship is remembering it's toxic. Toxic people usually have a way of manipulating people, and your family member seems like one of those. I think it would help a lot that while they're victimizing themselves, you remember, or even write down what happened. You don't have to respond to what they say, just remember they're at fault don't let yourself be manipulated by them into thinking they're the victim. The victims are you and whoever has the misfortune of interacting with them
 

AllisonE

New member
I have the same problem with family, and though the rest of my family recognizes the severe problems this person presents, they all get angry with ME if I express that I don't want to associate with them. :rolleyes:
 

ImagineIt!

New member
This is a very timely topic for me, and some very good points have been made here. It can be enormously difficult to remove yourself from a toxic relationship with a family member. For one thing, the behavior has usually been going on for a long time. People tend to fall into roles in relationships, and if we operate on auto-pilot, we automatically assume our role in the relationship. If it's a healthy relationship, that's fine. If it's a toxic relationship, it makes it that much more difficult to change or sever the relationship. In my case, the toxic relationship is with my adult daughter. When she was a teenager, I assumed it must be my fault that she behaved as she did. She's a very angry person, plays the victim (nothing is ever her fault) and is virtually impossible to talk to. The slightest challenge to her opinion, regardless of how kindly and gently it is presented, is viewed as a personal attack. She becomes enraged and verbally abusive.

After years of therapy and self-relection, I finally realized I was not the cause of her behavior. Knowing that does not relieve the angst of having to deal with her, unfortunately. She now has children of her own, and I see how destructive her behavior is to her children. When it was just us, I could remain silent, knowing that anything I said would only provoke a torrent of obscenities. But, I feel compelled to speak up for my grandchildren, which never goes well. I have tried every approach I can think of. If it weren't for the kids, I would give her an ultimatum: either treat me with basic respect and civility or we will no longer see each other. If I did that now, I would be risking being cut off from my grandchildren.

If anyone has a suggestion, please share. Thanks.
 
It's super hard to talk with them. They don't see a problem and think they are the victim, start manipulating and leaving me feeling bad again.
It's easier to pretend that everything is fine and try to talk with them as rarely as possible.
But it seems like a temporary solution only.
I understand where you're coming from here, as I have two individuals fitting that description in my wife's family. As you said, when it comes to family, it is difficult to exclude them from your lives, and so people such as ourselves are forced with the dilemma of trying to make the most of an awful, and at times rotten situation. My advice would be to do your best to find common ground. Do all you can do to make them believe you are their ally, even if you cannot stand them. Aside from that, it's about picking and choosing your battles, not so much engaging them in volatile arguments or worse, but rather knowing when you need to spend time around them, and when it is best to just get away. Unfortunately, some people are truly horrific and there is no sugar coating it. For those types, it is about mitigation and damage control, for there is only so much you can do. Best of luck to you, and I hope this helps.
 

eman12771

New member
I'm lucky that right now I don't have many toxic people in my life, but trust me, I dealt with quite a few in the past (mostly immature kids from college). My advice is to not fall for their games or traps. Toxic people love to manipulate, so it's easy to not realize the negative effect they are having on you at the beginning. As for your toxic family member, it would be best just to minimize contact with this person. Of course, you don't want to cut off family completely, but you don't have to go out of your way to talk to this person.
 

Andre_Forlan

New member
When I replied to your post about toxic people, I failed to realize that I had one as a close friend. Toxic people always have a rain cloud hanging over their heads - they will always look for ways to make you feel and less sure about yourself. Funny enough, I endured for 4 years.
Do you know why?. Well, I had grown to be emotionally dependent on him. Then I found myself glossing over every hurt he inflicted.

Want to know how I got my freedom? I got a new job, and that completely occupied my time. With time, we began to grow apart.
 
Encountering toxic people in life is almost inevitable. They exist in overwhelming numbers nowadays it seems. I think the problem becomes exceptionally difficult if the toxic person is a family member who can't be cut out from life. My two cents is try talking to him or her and make him or her realize what they are doing to you. Maybe it's unintentional. Other option is to simply ignore anything they say and move on
 

A_Albe

New member
I think there have been some great suggestions about boundary setting with this individual. Brene Brown's writing discusses how the people who are the most open-hearted and fulfilled are also those who set strong boundaries that recognize their needs. While it might seem contradictory, people who are more aware of their needs and limits and then express those through boundaries are less likely to accept toxic people or behaviors in their lives. Then you have the security and strength to be open and vulnerable to those who do not violate your boundaries. I find Brene's work a great guide, check out her video on boundaries:
 

DanRoz

New member
This discussion has been mostly family-centric here, so allow me to divert a little:

I've long had a difficulty dealing with "toxic people" because of how much I've always genuinely cared about being liked by everyone around me. Meaning that toxicity might be difficult to recognize or accept; instead I'd find myself thinking "how can I change our dynamic so that I'm not so put off by this person?" and more accurately, "how can I change my own behavior to improve our relationship?"

One of the toughest pills I've ever pushed myself to swallow (and it's still going down, slowly) is that a) I won't like everyone, and that's okay and b) Not everyone will like me either, and that's also okay. Being able to see toxicity as something to steer clear of instead of something to fix is incredibly liberating in social interactions... But it's difficult to do. Not sure if anyone can empathize with my state of mind here, but would love to hear thoughts!
 

yalatorre

New member
Do you have toxic people in your life? How do you deal with them?
Is it a family member, a friend, a co-worker?

I don't let toxic people in my life. I've always been strict with that. I don't need people in my life who make me feel bad.
However, I have a family member who is toxic and I don't know how to deal with that since I can't just end our relationship, we are family after all. Any tips?
It is so much harder to do when it is family but sometimes even in these cases it is necessary. If you have tried having an open and honest conversation and you have tried to let them bother you and it continues to happen I say just see them when you have to. Negative people can really chip away at you. They take pieces from you so small that you don't even notice it at first and then one day you are exhausted and not sure what happened! The thing is we can only control our reaction not how others behave right? And sometimes that reaction has to be to simply distance yourself.
 

OlgaC

Member
When I replied to your post about toxic people, I failed to realize that I had one as a close friend. Toxic people always have a rain cloud hanging over their heads - they will always look for ways to make you feel and less sure about yourself. Funny enough, I endured for 4 years.
Do you know why?. Well, I had grown to be emotionally dependent on him. Then I found myself glossing over every hurt he inflicted.

Want to know how I got my freedom? I got a new job, and that completely occupied my time. With time, we began to grow apart.
Similar thing happened to me. I didn't get a new job, but I got a child that keeps me occupied. When a toxic person tries to use me or make me feel bad, I just start telling how extremely busy or tired I am, that I haven't slept all night. Sometimes it's not even true, but this is my way to escape...
 

OlgaC

Member
Do all you can do to make them believe you are their ally, even if you cannot stand them. Aside from that, it's about picking and choosing your battles, not so much engaging them in volatile arguments or worse, but rather knowing when you need to spend time around them, and when it is best to just get away.
Good point about choosing your battles. I noticed that sometimes it is just easy to agree with them (and still do things your way) and thank them for their advice (and don't take it) rather that starting explaining why I disagree.

What bothers me is that person often asks me for help with things she can perfectly do herself. She just needs attention, she is used to other people always helping her, she doesn't want to be independent or self-sufficient. This behavior is completely different from mine as I always try to do things by myself first and if needed ask for help. It really annoys me when she behaves like a child when in fact I am younger and I should be the one asking for help, not her.
The funny thing is if I don't help her, she tries to find other people to do stuff for her. And an easy thing gets so complicated... In the end I give up, and do this thing, because I find it ridiculous that she tries to get other people involved.
 
I cannot count how many times I have done that before, and remember, what you say and what you really truly feel can often times be two very different things! Like you said, if you start explaining why you disagree, that can lead to trouble, as people like this will often times get combative and defensive, and there are just some people out there will refuse to give an inch. For those situations, doing the nod is simple and remarkably effective.

I understand what you mean about this as well. A relative of mine is exactly like that, and I have spoken to my cousin about "weaning" her towards independence the best she possibly can. There are good days and bad days. I feel as though she has made progress, but it is difficult. I'm glad there are people out there that understand!
 

ImagineIt!

New member
I understand where you're coming from here, as I have two individuals fitting that description in my wife's family. As you said, when it comes to family, it is difficult to exclude them from your lives, and so people such as ourselves are forced with the dilemma of trying to make the most of an awful, and at times rotten situation. My advice would be to do your best to find common ground. Do all you can do to make them believe you are their ally, even if you cannot stand them. Aside from that, it's about picking and choosing your battles, not so much engaging them in volatile arguments or worse, but rather knowing when you need to spend time around them, and when it is best to just get away. Unfortunately, some people are truly horrific and there is no sugar coating it. For those types, it is about mitigation and damage control, for there is only so much you can do. Best of luck to you, and I hope this helps.
You have hit the nail on the head: trying to find common ground, picking and choosing your battles, knowing when it's best to just get away and realizing that with the worst of them, it's all about mitigation and damage control. That sums up what is necessary to do with toxic family members. If they are not family members, I say turn around and start walking in the opposite direction.
 

Termar30

New member
I think we all have people in our lives, be it friends or family, that cause us pain and concern. I too have family who thinks that all the conflict and bad things that have happened between us is my fault and they are just the victims. After many years I simply can not speak to. With other family members, it's been a slow process to rebuild the trust. Toxic people make toxins that come back around to haunt you. You can give them a chance to get their selves together but don't let them become so entwined in your life that you can not get away from them.
 
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